I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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