There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize