In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
