Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
