Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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