Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
