turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
