Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
