it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize