Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
