I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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