i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize