I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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