i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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