Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
