new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
