New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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