The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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