i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
