I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
