I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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