I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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