Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
