I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
this just has baby written all over it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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