So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
