genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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