I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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