You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I still have a little drunk in my system
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
