I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
