Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
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when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
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Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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