I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
