You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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