Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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