I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just had sex on a roof
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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