I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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