Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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