How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
