11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
