so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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