dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
