her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
