i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
