i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
