i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
time to smoke my breakfast
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
