Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
