So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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