I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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