Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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