Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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