he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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