i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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