Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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