I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
