So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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